What Are Boundaries

Are you an expert at setting boundaries.  Many of us are not, but boundaries are a way to set healthy limits around yourself.  These boundaries let you and others know what you are comfortable with and what you are not comfortable with.  This helps with maintaining relationships that are healthy for you and them.

Why Setting Boundaries Are Important

Putting boundaries in place is a skill that many people don’t know how to do.  How to present a boundary is not something that most parents teach their kids and I’m not aware of it being taught in schools.  But it is still a skill worth cultivating.

Those that make and keep healthy boundaries realize that making their expectations clear helps everyone in several ways:

**it establishes what behavior you will accept from other people,

**lets everyone know what behavior other people can expect from you.

**boundaries are an act of self-love.

Many people, especially women have been taught or programmed to believe that they have no right to have boundaries.  This leads in the belief they have no value, and they tend to think that others will not like them if they set boundaries or rock the boat.

I used to feel this way, but I’ve concluded, that this is a type of brainwashing that encourages someone to feel it’s selfish for them to have boundaries for others to respect.

Establishing boundaries lets you live within your values and beliefs.  And that includes your self-value.

We all owe it to ourselves to honor our own self-respect to take care of our needs and stand by our values.

Boundaries should be set for all relationships—friends, family, co-workers, etc.  Staying outside of someone’s boundaries is a show of respect.

Types of Boundaries

Some people seem to set-up their boundaries, without even thinking about it.  They know what they are comfortable with and what they aren’t; its almost like their boundaries are automatic.

Then there are others that have a hard time at it.  They would be people that can’t say no to others, or someone that has a low self-value of themselves, or a people pleaser.

People like this find it very hard to set-up any type of boundaries.  I’m doing this post for those that have trouble with boundaries for others to follow.  So, let’s take a look at the types of boundaries, so we are all on the same page.

Boundaries need to be set in all areas of our lives, at work, with family and with friends.  There are five types of boundaries.

Physical

This has to do with our own physical personal space, your privacy and your body.  Ever have someone stand almost nose to nose with you and you keep pulling your head further back, but this person still doesn’t get it.  This person just doesn’t realize they are invading your space.  And if you feel like I do, it’s uncomfortable.

Stress

Getting boundaries set and in place actually relieves you of the stress of wondering if so and so is going to get in your face again today.  And you won’t have to think about what to do about it, even though it bugs the s&*t out of you.  Less stress means less adrenaline and cortisol (stress hormone) pumping.

Social Media

I think with all the different types of social media these days that many times boundaries have gone right out the window.

Oversharing is quite shocking at times.

One of my own boundaries has to do with social media.  I would not put anyone’s photo out on the web without a good reason and asking first and I’d like the same consideration.

I’ve had to remind a few people about this particular boundary.  And I’ve had strong disagreements with this limit, but I feel it deeply so will continue to stand my ground.

Toxic People

The toxic people in your life will probably not stick around.  Especially when they realize that you now have boundaries that they need to respect.

Intellectual

Boundaries for this aspect of your life may be the most important because your thoughts and beliefs come into play.  Why are boundaries especially important here?  Because of the disrespect that can be shown when someone’s ideas and opinions are questioned or dismissed.  This tends to hurt to someone’s core.

Emotional

Sharing your feelings may not come easily to you, to a friend, parent or partner.  It takes a bit for you to let people get to know the real you.  So, you prefer to share gradually over time.

Financial

Are you someone who spends their money and doesn’t care if the world knows it, or someone that wouldn’t loan money to anyone?  Or maybe you save every penny you can.

When you get ready to establish your boundaries, be sure to take each type into account.

Sexual

These boundaries have to do with intimacy.  You may be uncomfortable with sexual comments in your ear or touches while someone else loves them.

You don’t like public displays of affection while your partner gives you quick pecks all the time, not realizing it makes you uncomfortable.

Expectations on both sides of a relationship of any kind can be very different.  That’s why it’s good for others to know your boundaries.

Mental Health

Boundaries help your mental health so that you can feel and be happier.  When people know your limits, the stress of confrontation rolls off your shoulders.  And feelings of hurt, confusion, and frustration can be lessened.

Getting Your Boundaries Set-Up

Set Them From The Get Go

A relationship that has been in place for a while may not be the best place to start putting boundaries in place.  Instead, be set in your thinking that when a new relationship comes around that you’ll stick with your boundaries from day one.  This is much easier on everyone involved.

Trying to establish limits in a relationship you are already in is hard and may take a sit-down discussion to talk about.  Keep this in mind when you meet someone new.  This helps everyone know where they stand and keeps bad feelings or frustration at bay.

Start Small

If you never thought about boundaries, then it could be overwhelming and maybe even a bit scary for some.

I suggest that the first thing you do is decide on two or three limits you want to put in place.

Once you know which limits you want to work with first then I suggest you start small.  Don’t put them all into play at the same time.  Just take the first one you want to work with and try it on someone.

If need be, sit someone down and simply tell them that it would help you if they respected your comfort zone and explain what it is.

Live with this boundary for a while before you move on to the next.

Taking things at a pace that is comfortable to you gives you time to figure out whether things are working the way you had hoped or if you needs to make a tweak or two.

Then when you feel it’s time, go on to the next boundary you want to put in place.

Doing so allows you to take things at a more comfortable pace, and it provides time to reflect on whether it’s heading in the right direction or if you need to make some tweaks.

Be Consistent

Once you get on the boundary band wagon, you can’t let it slide away.  Failing to remind someone about your limits will lead to confusion or even encourage someone to fall back to where they were, because they think you have.

Letting boundaries slide can lead to confusion for you and those around you.

Being consistent and steady helps to reinforce your resolve about your boundaries and also reinforces your beliefs and comfort for others.  It also cements the line you’ve drawn which needs to stay right where you put it.

Adapt When Needed

It may help you to have two or three “general” type boundaries to keep in mind that you can tweak when needed to fit a new situation.

For instance:

Basic:  I would rather not address this personal topic with you and ask that you respect that.

Or Adapt:

I would rather we agree to disagree on this subject and hope you feel the same way and we both respect that.

It’s all in the way you say your boundary for the time you may have to voice a boundary.

Benefits of Setting Boundaries

Let’s look at some of the benefits of having boundaries so you know how they can help you.

*Helps with your mental and emotional health

*You will be much less angry and/or resentful

*Will bring about confidence and self-esteem

*Bring some focus on you which helps with the balance of your life

*Helps make expectations clear for everyone involved

*Boundaries are a good foundation for relationships

Final Thoughts On Setting Boundaries

Boundaries are your basic social foundation to show the world how you will treat them and more so about how you want to be treated.  They can help to keep others from manipulating, insulting, and/or taking advantage of you.  Boundaries also help with mutual respect for everyone involved.

Those that have healthy boundaries in place tend to have a high awareness of their needs and self-worth.  They also don’t compromise themselves for other people.  Setting-up boundaries and then implementing them can be difficult, but it’s worth it.

Remember, this is your journey, and you owe it to yourself to respect your needs and demand the respect you deserve.

Take Care

Cher

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