One thing that I think people are just too good at is self-sabotage. And, unfortunately, that is especially so for women. This may be because women are so good at the negative self-talk. But I’m getting ahead of myself, so let’s start at the beginning.

What is Self-Sabotage?

Self-sabotage happens when we engage in behavior that stops us from meeting a goal we have set for ourselves or getting something that we want.  This usually happens without us realizing it because we have trained ourselves to do this. Yes, most of us have had years of practice at our self-sabotage.

We have conditioned our subconscious to start what I call “stinkin thinkin, and our goal or purpose falls by the wayside. Especially if that goal is something you haven’t done before.

Our subconscious realizes our fear and asks, “if this is worth it? Or it may not be good for you because you have not done this before and you may have to come up against the boogie man.”

Your subconscious determines this is what you want because of your self-talk, so it fishes around in your brain for something that it can use to prove to you that you are right.

It seems our subconscious wants to please us, and it doesn’t forget the memories we have stored. It uses those memories to prove our current self-talk as accurate.  We are very good at talking ourselves out of things. This is because part of your subconscious’ job is to protect you, not realizing that, at times, stepping out of our comfort zone, could be just what we need.

Why Do We Self-Sabotage?

There may be many reasons we sabotage ourselves from having or getting what we want. In my humble opinion, the four I’m discussing below are four of the main reasons for self-sabotage.

Fear

This may be the main reason that many of us self-sabotage on a regular basis. And what are we afraid of? Being ignored, or invalidated, embarrassed, judged or is it fear of failure?
Here’s an example where fear comes into play and keeps you from getting what you want.

There is a job opening at work that you want. You do take the step and apply for it, but you don’t tell any of your co-workers, friends or family. After all, you probably won’t get the position anyway, so why tell anyone. If you don’t tell you want it, when you don’t get it, no one the wiser, right.

Except you’ve done the damage to yourself with self-sabotage. The fear kept you from putting your best foot forward during the interview because you were not totally prepared.
You could have asked your co-workers what would help you get the job, but by not telling them, you couldn’t.

I once was interested in a position that opened up where I was working, and I told my boss that I was interested. He gave me some good advice.  He helped me come up with questions that may be asked at the interview and determine how I would answer them. He said he does this anytime he’s going on an interview.

Even though you may not come up with every question that might be asked, I would be better prepared for the ones I came up with.  I’ve continued to do this through the years, and he was right. I was always much better prepared walking into an interview, and it paid off several times.

Overwhelm

This happens to me when I feel I’ve got too much to do.  My “to do” list is just too long and I’ve not enough time to do it all.  It makes me uncomfortable, so I sometimes will just ignore all the things on my list and do something else.

I finally figured out that when I have so much to do that, I feel overwhelmed; I have to break things down into doable parts.  It may seem that it would take me longer to get through the list, but not necessarily if I was putting things off to begin with, due to being overwhelmed.

The “to do” list becomes an immense wall that is just too hard to get over, so then the procrastination comes into play too.  Doing a few things at a time eventually gets everything done faster than if I were to keep putting things off.  I see that big fence instead of the few little goals I could complete to get completely over that fence I’ve put up inside my head.

Overcommitting

We feel the need to say yes, because it looks and feels so much better than telling someone ‘no.’  Does this show that we don’t have the gumption to set boundaries for others toward us and also for us toward ourselves?  This is definitely self-sabotaging and doesn’t help you.

Instead, it competes with you doing what you want, like completing a goal you have and stops your own personal growth. It also affects the people you made the commitment to.

Boredom

Boredom can be one of the quickest ways for the negative self-talk to start.  Keep yourself busy.  Find things you like to do such as a hobby or two.  Or volunteer.  When I say busy, I don’t mean work all the time.  Doing things that you like and bring you joy can also put a cork in the boredom.

This is a biggie for me, and I’ve had to find things I can turn to when I’m bored.  A lot of times that means I need alone time to regroup and rejuvenate, but there are also times, I know I need others around.  It needs to be a balance between both for each of us.

Boredom can also lead to other bad habits that you may be trying to stay away from, such as drinking, overeating or other toxic things that you may lean toward.

Ways We Self-Sabotage

We all have our own ways that we self-sabotage and I’m going to share some ways to get you thinking about it.  You may recognize yourself in one or two of the ways and not even realize that self-sabotaging is what you are doing.

One of the first steps to stop self-sabotage is to realize you are doing it.  After reading through them, I’d love to hear if you came up with a few other ways that I haven’t hit on that you self-sabotage.

Self-Assault/Negative Mindset

These two things are different but also similar.  I chose to use the word “assault” rather than criticism because I believe that is happening when someone is constantly degrading themselves with their own self-talk.

I know we all indulge in being self-critical of ourselves, but it shouldn’t be all the time.  And if your self-talk is something you wouldn’t say to someone else because its way to harsh, then you shouldn’t be saying it to yourself.

To me it borders on abuse of yourself and is certainly self-sabotaging the person, the good Lord gave the world when he created you. Unfortunately, our subconscious continually backs up whatever it hears all the time.

While humans were not made to be perfect, we also were not made to consider ourselves so bad that we indulge in constant self-criticize.  So, stop putting yourself down all the time!

And get rid of the negativity while you are at it.  It does nothing but help to make you feel bad.  Ever hear of the Law of Attraction?

Simply stated it means you attract what you are.  If you are always negative about yourself and your life, that’s what the universe thinks you want, so guess what it sends you.  Yep—more negative bad stuff.  And who needs it?

So, make yourself smile until it starts coming naturally.  And make sure that smile goes through your whole system.  It may take some practice, but if you stick to it, you’ll soon notice the negativity and self-assault will diminish.

Ever hear “fake it until you make it?”  That adage fits really well, right here.

Overthinking-Planning

Overthinking and too much planning is self-sabotage that can and will keep you from getting anything done and can keep you stuck.

Overthinking means you are over-analyzing because you are trying to think of all the possible ins and outs, and good and bad of something.  You think about a project and doing it like this, but maybe this way would be better and then you start on the where you should do the project and how.  And you never decide to just “do”.

Or you want to have a party, but you never quite get to making the invites because you are too busy planning and then redo the planning and maybe even plan some more.  Too much planning can handicap you and if you manage to have that party, you won’t have any fun.

Probably because of the overthinking you’ll be doing about wondering if you have enough snacks or wait—do you even have the right kind of snacks…..see where I’m going?

Overthinking and planning can keep you from moving forward and being stagnant doesn’t do anyone any good.  When you make that list of things to do, break it down into smaller pieces or better yet take the three things you want done the most and only do those three.  At least that way you are moving forward and completing something.  It doesn’t have to be perfect, just done.

Can’t Take A Compliment

Maybe you know someone who would get a compliment on a dress or a top they were wearing and they would say, “Oh, this is really old.”  Not just simply “thank you” and move on.

Every time that you find it hard to take a compliment you are cutting yourself down and chipping away at your self-esteem.  Maybe you don’t believe you are worthy of the compliment.  But very few people just hand out compliments just because.  It’s usually truly meant by the person giving the compliment because they believe it.

Compliments are nice and they are meant to make you feel good.  It’s someone else’s good opinion of you, so believe them and simply say “thank you”, smile and move on.

Learning to take a compliment graciously can be maturing and liberating and can put a little smile in the back of your head that you can carry around the rest of the day.  Nothing wrong with that.

Perfectionism

Thinking everything must be perfect can really hold you back.  If the paint color really isn’t just right or the house isn’t quite as clean as you would like it or the shoes you are wearing really don’t go with your outfit—the sky won’t fall.  But you know what will happen.

You’ll never paint the room you want painted because you haven’t found the exact color you are looking for and you may never find it.  That’s self-sabotage.

You have a goal of painting your living room, but it’s been two months, and it’s still not painted because you are still looking for that perfect color.  And I guarantee you don’t remember the first few colors you looked at.

There are very few times in our lives that perfection is really needed.  If you are someone who thinks we need perfection in everything you do, it will just hold you back from completing tasks you want to get done.

Just get them done—almost perfect really is good enough because at least the task is completed, instead of driving yourself nuts.  And hopefully, this kind of thinking will help you feel some liberation!

Put Yourself Last

Always putting yourself last tells many things about you.  You don’t feel good about yourself; you don’t know how to say no, and you don’t have boundaries geared toward taking care of you.  The practice of your own self-care is nowhere to be found.

This can eventually create a very unhappy you.  You become too tired and overwhelmed from all the things you couldn’t say no to.

Setting boundaries is important for all of us.  We need to realize how important it is to put ourselves ahead of everyone else occasionally.  It rejuvenates us, calms us, and helps us be more ready for life.

It certainly can help us be more ready and able to take care of our family.  If you truly love them, then take care of you; there’s nothing wrong with it.  Your family wants you around for as long as possible.  In the long run, it’s better for everyone!

Compare Yourself To Others (see my post)

This is a biggie to me.  Comparing yourself to others can be one of the most destructive things you can do to yourself.  Again, I’m going to bring the Lord into this writing.  He purposely made each of us different.

We are supposed to be this way, so comparing yourself to others is a losing situation.  You’ll never live up to someone else because you were not meant to be like anyone else.

Besides you really don’t know about the other person’s life, so you may be just comparing apples to oranges.  You are not going to be at the same point in your life as the other person might be.

Never the same place, never the same plan, never the same ending.  That’s why comparisons don’t work, and you may never catch up.  And that’s mainly because we aren’t meant to be on the same page of our lives as everyone else’s life.  How boring that would be.  Stop comparing and be your own unique self.  There is strength in that.

We Like Our Comfort Zone Too Much

Ever know someone that just seems to go through life taking it pretty easy and nothing much seems to happen to them or not much changes.  That is likely someone that is too comfortable within their comfort zone.

I know someone that never changed jobs because it was easier to stay where they were.  Nothing new to learn, no new people to get to know and no changing of the routine they were used to.

This person just didn’t like to rock the boat.  It was easier to stay put than to change.  But everyone around changed.  That’s stagnant and not moving forward, whatsoever.

You don’t want to look back on your life and wonder what if.  Don’t let that comfort zone keep you from reaching goals you set for yourself, but haven’t moved toward because that is a form of self-sabotage.

Change is essential to growth because life constantly changes.  Step out of your comfort zone.  It might surprise you at the changes you bring about.

Procrastinate

Many of us procrastinate, but did you realize it’s also self-sabotage.  I can do this so easy and not realize I’m doing it until I catch myself.

For instance, when I sat down to do this post, I probably wasted a good half hour first.  How?  By telling myself I was just going to take five minutes and go through my emails.  Ha Ha!  I get quite a few emails each day and I’ll tell myself I’m just going to go through and delete all the dead weight and I’ll have accomplished something.

Another Ha!  I do clean out the dead weight, but then I end up going back to one or two emails that caught my eye and I think I can take care of them quickly and move on.

But this just doesn’t happen.  Although it is a good way to put off doing my writing.

I had a goal to get an article done, but because in my mind, I wasn’t quite ready to write it yet, my subconscious took over and helped me to put the writing off.

Have you ever done something like this and ended up realizing how much time you’ve wasted?  If so, then you are self- sabotaging.

We Don’t Ask For Help

This self-sabotage technique has a lot to do with perfectionism.  We don’t ask for help because we think we shouldn’t need it (self-attack) and no one can do the job the way I want it done.

Everyone needs help occasionally, so try to ask for it.  Especially when you are feeling overwhelmed.

Think of it this way.  You know the joy you get from helping others and how that makes you feel. Give that gift to someone else, by asking them to help you sometime.

Ways to Stop Self-Sabotage

Be Aware and Realize

Before we can make any changes, you first have to be aware of self-sabotage and then you need to realize what you are doing and what triggers are prompting the behavior of self-sabotage.

The little inner voice that we all have is sneaky and can start the self-sabotage train without you realizing it.

You actually have to stop and realize when that inner voice starts up with the negativity that causes you to not achieve what it is you want.  How is the self-sabotage keeping you from meeting your goals for your life or just the little everyday goals we give ourselves to do each day?

Analyze Your Beliefs

Are you wondering what your beliefs have to do with self-sabotage?  Think of it this way.  When you have self-talk keeping you from doing things you want to do, deep down, somewhere you believe you are not worth it.  That’s a belief you may not realize you have.

Not being able to take a compliment means, you don’t believe the other person, most likely because you don’t believe you are worthy of compliments.

Again—your belief is coming into play.  So do some deep dives into what you believe and feel about yourself.  Again, write these things in your journal for future reference.

When you realize you are self-sabotaging, stop and ask yourself, at that point in time, what you are telling yourself or doing right now that’s keeping you from something you want to do.

Also write down why or if you think the current behavior is or isn’t contributing to keeping you from your goal.

Some limiting beliefs you have may go something like these…

-I’m not good enough to be the next manager of my department

-I can’t start a blog because I don’t know how

-You won’t see me in a swimsuit—they don’t look good on me

-I’m too lazy

-I’m not good at this

Identify Your Triggers

You can’t go forward if you don’t understand what is causing you to go into self-sabotage mode.  Determining your triggers will help quite a lot in turning off the self-sabotage.

A trigger for me is boredom.  If I’m not keeping my mind busy, it starts wondering and can create all kinds of havoc with my self-talk.

Sometimes I need to pick up a book and read while I’m watching TV; that’s how quickly my mind can go to self-sabotaging.  I’ve had to train myself to turn off the negative inner talk.

I do this best by giving myself something else to do that I like.  For instance, I make jewelry, or I like to read.  These are good things for me to pick up to turn my mind to something else.

This is where your journal or planner, whichever you use, can help.  Writing down what you are doing when the inner negative talk starts, will eventually tell you what your triggers are.  So, write things down no matter how small something may seem.  It could be a clue to a trigger.

Identify Your Core Values

Yep, your core values come into play when trying to keep from self-sabotaging yourself.  They can help you to break this habit.

I looked up core value in Psychology Today and found several good articles on this topic.  You may want to check these articles out.

Living Within Your Core Values:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stronger-the-broken-places/201808/living-our-core-values

Ways to Choose Your Core Values:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/changepower/201811/6-ways-discover-and-choose-your-core-values

Superpower of Knowing Your Core Values:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/changepower/201811/9-surprising-superpowers-knowing-your-core-values

Determining and knowing your core values can help you decide what kind of person you want to be and can provide us with guidance regarding our actions.  Knowing what you value helps you to be more effective.  Especially with those things that are important to you.  According to Psychology Today here are ways to choose your core values.

-Choose your top 6-8 core values

-Choose 3-6 people you admire and explain why

-See a career counselor

-Use an online values inventory

-Observe yourself and learn (write in your journal)

-Focus on the bitter and sweet in your life

I would add one more to this list:

-Write down 5-10 priorities in your life.  Then number them in order of importance to you and see what you come up with.

These are the tidbits of information to be used for motivation to stop the self-sabotaging or to work your goals.  These priorities tell you why you want or do the things that are important to you.

What Are Your Life Goals or Purpose?

This item can be worked “in general” or go deeper by determining what you think is your purpose in life.  Each major goal you have for your life should really have a reason “why.”  Why is the goal important for you to do?  What difference will it make in your life?  Is there a plan you can come up with to reach your goal?

Once identified, write down the steps you will take to achieve each of your goals.

For instance, maybe you like helping people, but you also have to have some boundaries for yourself.  So, you can decide to help a day or two a month at your local shelter, food bank or thrift shop.  This helps with your need to help people without feeling overwhelmed because you are only volunteering a set number of days.

Re-train Yourself

Once you have done the things, I’ve suggested, you will be better able to re-train yourself to not do so much self-sabotaging.  Just being aware when the negative mindset starts, you will be in a better place to stop it.

Check your journal and commit to your mind what your triggers are.  Add to your journal what you plan to do to bring yourself around and away from your trigger when it hits.  Knowing ahead of time what your game plan is will help when the time comes.

Keep the plan simple.  Pull out a book and read for 10 minutes or go for a walk for 10 minutes or for every negative thought you have toward yourself, keep a list of affirmations to counter with.

Being aware helps you to take action.

Final Thoughts About Self-Sabotage

Realize that those things you say to yourself in the negative mindset you’ve set up for your inner self, you wouldn’t dream of saying to someone else.

That’s because you know they are not good things to be saying and would only be said to tear someone down.  So why would you do that to yourself?  STOP!  Just stop!

You are better than that and it’s OK to treat yourself better than that.  I give you permission to do so with the why’s, what for’s and how to change your mindset.

Remember, like attracts like.  If you want to have a happier, more fun life, then that has to start with you by putting that out to the universe first.  To learn more about this, see my post on the Law of Attraction.

Stay Awesome!

Cher

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