I thought the terrible two’s/threes were bad and then the teenage years hit. That was a whole other world to maneuver through.
When my daughter hit her teens, I thought she had gone out of her mind and someone else was in her body, while her brother continued to be easy going.
And then by the time they had both reached adulthood they had switched places. My son had become someone else, while his sister …well, I don’t know what to say there.
The week she turned 19, she was in a bad car accident—the kind you get medevac’d to the nearest trauma center. And we got the phone call that is every parent’s worst nightmare.
She was diagnosed with a very bad traumatic brain injury, resulting in a permanent disability. That was over ten years ago but is still affecting all of us and I suspect my son the most.
Parenting Adult Chidren is A Hard Transition to Get Through
My daughter and son were close before the accident and now that she has trouble communicating and doesn’t understand very easily, they have moved away from each other.
He didn’t go to college, seems to spend his time alone and does not like to communicate with us very much. Both are still living at home.
I’m divulging this bit of personal information so that you know that the following hard realized information is coming from a place of knowing. We are still maneuvering through the transition of our kids becoming adults.
There are some things we’ve gotten right while other aspects of the situation have been hard to get through and, in some respects, still are.
So, if this post can help any other parents of soon to be adults or trying to work out the compromises now, I’ll be glad I shared.
Here’s to each and every parent trying to transition to parenting adult children because it seems to have happened when you weren’t looking. (didn’t it?)
Tips for Maneuvering Through The Transition of Parenting Adult Children
Our teens become legal adults the day they turn 18 and believe me when I say they will remind you anytime they believe you have forgotten. They have no clue how hard it can be for a parent to make a 180 degree turn and try to leave their lives up to them, while we stand on the sidelines.
I’ve sat and thought about this transition for my family and have come up with a few ideas that I can share that may help those that are going through this transition now or will be soon.
*Time to Stop Doing Everything For Them; Offer Support, Don’t Coddle
Raising kids has got to be one of the hardest jobs we’ve ever done and I know first hand how hard it is to start letting them organize and run their own lives, at least by the time they are older teens.
It doesn’t have to be with everything, but should be by the time they go off to college or get their first jobs.
I know it’s our first instinct to help our kids. We want to stay involved to make sure things get done on time, that they do the things they need to do and to protect them.
But look at it this way. The reason you want them to be independent by this time is so that they actually start doing what is expected of them as new adults.
Yes, in our eyes, they are still very young but if we have taught them well, they should be able to handle the things they need to at this point in their lives. (notice I said “their” lives). Remember, it is now their lives, and they will be expected to go to college or get full time jobs. Those are not things you can do for them, and you shouldn’t.
If they can’t hold down a job or keep dropping classes or quitting school altogether, that is basically their decision and they need to suffer the consequences.
If they don’t figure this out on their own, we are doing a real disservice to them. This is how they learn to take care of themselves.
Things Didn’t Always Go Easy For Us Either
Look back on your life. I bet things didn’t always go easily for you either, but that is how you learned to figure things out, didn’t you? I know it was for me.
Many of my friends and I learned fairly quickly that if we wanted money, we had to earn it. Our parents couldn’t really take on paying for what would have been essentially two households.
And if we don’t let our young adults fend for themselves, there is a good chance that they will always expect us to bail them out with either money, a home or whatever else they need.
I know a few 30-year-olds that are still doing this kind of thing. Following are my suggestions.
1) Never, Ever Embarrass Them, Especially on Social Media
Absolutely no one likes to be embarrassed, so think about that before you put pics up of your young adult on social media or tell a story that you think is funny. It may not be so funny to your adult child.
Just stop and think first and ask yourself: is this something I’d want on social media about myself? Will my kid mind? What about their workplace?
This is a biggie if your adult child is looking for a job. Many companies check out social media these days and you wouldn’t want your kid to not get a job because of a pic you tagged them in on social media.
2) It’s Time To Be A Friend Rather Than A Parent
This is another point that is hard to get used to. I still have to stop and ask myself; is this a question that I would ask one of my friends. And the answer is usually no. I would never ask them about their finances or how they are going to handle this situation or that situation.
I listen to them and only give my two cents if it is asked for. I have to bite my tongue to do this for my kids, but it is a good thing for me to remember. If I wouldn’t intrude on my friends, then don’t with my kids.
3) When Parenting Adult Children, Accept That Their Dreams May Not Be Yours
From the day they are born we start wondering what they will be when they grow up and we start dreaming. Unfortunately, those dreams we come up with will almost certainly not be theirs.
Remember when you were their age, and your parents would make suggestions of what you could do with your life and how. If I remember correctly, I don’t think I agreed with anything that was brought up.
Chances are your kids won’t either. You will have a better relationship with them if you calmly and patiently listen to their ideas and give guidance only if you are asked for it. Hard reality, but true!
4) DO NOT Make Assumptions
It’s hard to tell what you may see on social media these days and if you see something with your kids involved that raises your dander, don’t assume!
That image you are looking at or story you are reading may not be the whole story, so assuming will get you nowhere.
If the situation is brought up, at a later time, calmly ask about it and then leave it at that. It’s their life and remember, you wouldn’t like them interfering in things that go on in your life.
They deserve the same respect that you expect from them now.
5) Remember who you are dealing with
One of the hardest things I still have to make myself remember is that my kids are NOT me. They don’t act like me; they don’t think like me and yours don’t either.
Our kid’s generations (millennials and Gen Z’s) seem to think very differently than we do. I’ve talked to many parents and the things I often hear are: choosy, entitled, job hopping and independent.
My kids fits right in here with these adjectives. Job hopping doesn’t seem to bother the current generation like it would someone like me. When I was my kid’s ages, working people seemed to stay in their current jobs for years in the hope of working long enough to get a pension for retirement.
Questions Everything
Current generations tend to question everything and want an independent working environment and if these things aren’t there, they will leave, what we think of as a good a job, in hopes of finding what they are looking for. It’s not a big deal to them.
It may be hard to understand, but don’t take this personally. These are just fundamental differences between the generation of our kids and us.
Also, keep in mind that your relationship with a single child will be different from one that is married. Try to respect the boundaries that come with a marriage—the same you expected when you married.
6) To Help Parenting Adult Children Easier, Learn To Communicate Their Way
Today, our kids don’t communicate the way we did. They don’t necessarily pick up the phone and call Mom or Dad at least once a week. To them, it’s enough to text. Social media or texting is how they stay in touch with everyone.
It’s fast and easy and can be done around other things and our adult children are comfortable communicating this way. Even with their parents. They aren’t ignoring you-they just stay in touch differently.
7) Find Little Ways to Stay in Touch or Close to Them
Set-up a weekly coffee date or movie; something that you both like to do. Or find little ways to stay in touch like through texts. My son and I send jokes back and forth on occasion when one of us think something is funny.
My daughter likes to send me things that she finds on pinterest that are cute or funny to her.
The thing to remember here is to not get bothered when they don’t answer you right back, if at all. To them it’s not personal, its just the way it is.
And they really don’t want to know how needy you may be or the hard time you are having with the empty nest transition. They are no more responsible for your happiness than you are for them any longer.
They are busy learning right now how to run their life, just like you are learning to deal with your new situation of not having to take care of them.
8) Enjoy Your Own Life
I know the empty nest transition can be rough, but don’t forget the good things it brings. Like you finally have control of your schedule so that you can do what you want, whenever you want. Woohooo!! This is a biggie.
Live your life. Volunteer, make dates with friends, travel, whatever your heart desires. This is your time again or time for you and your hubby again—enjoy!
Your kids will actually be glad to know that you are OK enough to live your life again. It’s a good lesson for all concerned.
9) Continue to Love Them Unconditionally, But Without Enabling
One of the best definitions I’ve heard of what “enabling” is this: “One adult moves to “save” another adult from the consequences of their decisions and actions.” In other words, the enabler steps right in to remove the consequences of the other person. For instance, lending money even when they know it won’t be paid back, calling the boss to say the other person is sick, pay the others debts, covers for an addict, etc.
And unfortunately, in this situation, both parties are to blame. Both sides of this situation need help to get out of the rut they may be in.
Remember, continual help doesn’t let the other person learn and shine or feel the pride in taking care of themselves. Don’t take that from your adult kids.
A few other red flags of enabling your adult child:
**You put up with emotional, physical, verbal or financial abuse. Every one of these is considered domestic abuse/violence.
**Babysitting their children for free all the time.
**They get to live with you rent free and also don’t pay their share of the utilities, phones, etc.
**Paying against their debt
**You live in fear of saying “no” to your adult child
**The only time you hear from them is when they need something
**You feel it’s one crisis after another with your adult child
**Your health is being affected by all the chaos and worry
There are many more situations that fall under enabling, but this gives you a good idea of what enabling is. A completely separate post can be written about enabling.
The last thing I will say is this type of situation with your adult child will only end when you decide that the end of your help has come.
Learn that it is OK to support and gently guide them to figure things out for themselves rather than taking over and making things go away for them.
10) Make Some Reasonable New Rules For Both of You
Parenting adult children is a new situation for both sides so new rules are needed. The best thing to do is sit down with your adult child and acknowledge the changes and see what each side expects. Then decide what each side can accept and agree on and set some rules.
Be prepared to hear that they now feel they can stay out as long as they want, possibly bring over someone of the opposite sex for a “sleep over” and that they no longer need to ask your permission for anything they do.
Basically, all these things are true, but it is your home, and you need to make known what you are willing to live with and what you are not. Explain it to them and then let them decide if they can live with your rules or not.
And then be prepared if they decide to move out. It may happen or they may surprise you and agree. But know that you will also hear some new rules from them.
11) Pray For Them and Yourself
We all need a prayer every now and then and your adult children and you going through this transition are no exception.
Pray they will make good decisions like you taught them and then pray for yourself for when they don’t make those good decisions. (at least not good in your eyes)
I can remember a boy that I was head over heels for when I was in college, and I brought him home with me once or twice.
It wasn’t until after we broke up that my parents told me how they really felt about him. Let’s just say they were glad I was no longer with him.
Looking back, it was smart of them to not say anything and let me find out things on my own. At the time, I was not very happy, but thank the good Lord they did stay quiet.
So, like I said pray for your kids and yourself.
Final Thoughts For Parenting Adult Children
I left home to go to college when I turned 18. Home was a four-hour drive, so it wasn’t something I did without thinking about that long ride first.
But I always knew I could come home no matter what. I could go home and stop thinking about all the things pulling on me from different directions while away at school.
I could go home and just relax and be me. It wasn’t always perfect, but home was home and that always felt good.
So, my ending advice is to keep your home a safe haven of peace and warmth for your adult children to come back to when they feel the need.
They won’t realize it now, (I didn’t way back then), but there will be a day they will thank you for it. And it will warm your whole being. And isn’t that just what we as parents appreciate the most!
Till Later,
Cher
Relevant Reading
Legal Docs for Teens/Graduates
Top-Notch Advise for Graduates
Why You Need A Will
