This month is National Addiction Recovery Month, so I thought I’d do a post on the pandemic of addiction, but it turns out not to be your typical article on addiction.  With so many families facing and dealing with our nation’s huge addiction problem, I wanted to share what this epidemic causes to members of the addict’s family.  The feelings, the loss, the coping that is ongoing and never ending.

Below are three excerpts written by three women with an addicted family member.  Each with a different take on the situation, but each poignant in their own way.

Excerpt 1–Loving an Addict

Loving a drug addict or an active alcoholic is the hardest thing you will ever do. Watching someone you love, who has fought so hard to beat addiction, throw everything away and sink back into a life that will most likely lead to jail or death, is one of the hardest things you will ever do.

All you wanted was to help them back to a clean and sober life.  But you realize by doing this, as you have before, will now just be enabling them because it will show them that you will always be there to bail them out. You want to grab and shake them and say “What are you doing?!?!”

But, at some point you realize that it wouldn’t make a difference.  So, you sit back and watch the tragedy unfold, as if you are watching a movie. Feeling helpless to stop it, feeling like you haven’t done enough to help, even though you know only the addict can help themselves.
Battling a drug and/or an alcohol addiction is a beast for the person addicted and the ones who love them. So, l am asking you to stand with me in prayer for every family member and friend who has lost or is losing their battle with drugs and alcohol and those who continue to conquer it!

Author unknown

Excerpt 2-Son in Jail

I’m the mother of a drug addict who is sitting in prison right now.  He has never hurt anyone but himself, yet he is in jail, and not the ones who sold him the drugs—why is that?  These people are hurting thousands and are still walking the streets looking for the next one to help become addicted.

I have to say that when my son is in jail that is the only-time I don’t really have to worry about him.  He has never hurt anyone but himself, yet he is in jail and not the ones who continually sell the stuff that kills people.

It’s crazy to me as I always thought I’d worry myself senseless if any of my kids were in jail because you always hear how bad it is to be in jail.  But the truth is, when my son is in jail and the phone rings in our home, I don’t have to immediately go into panic mode that it’s “the call”. 

“The Call”

Family members of addicts know what I mean by that.  It’s the call where someone is letting you know that your family member has been found dead from an overdose.  That is on your mind 24/7/365 days of the year.  This fear absolutely never goes away. 

The only thing that might be worse than “the call” is finding your son in his room, blue around the lips and having to give him CPR while waiting for the EMT’s to get there.  CPR is not working and the panic becomes horrendous.  It took two doses of Narcan that night to pull our son out of it.  I still want to fall apart when I think about it.

Why is More Not Being Done?

Another part of this that never goes away is the wonder that there isn’t more being done by our country to end the epidemic.  Where are all the drugs coming from and why is it so easy to get the fentanyl that is now being used to lace the heroin, making it many times more potent and deadly. 

And why isn’t insurance paying for longer than a 28-day stint in rehab.  Everyone who is close to this subject knows that is not anywhere long enough for an addict to be truly “clean”.  There should be long term rehab and counseling.  Addicts don’t know how to run their lives without their drugs.  They need to be taught how to deal with stress, how to find a job and then how to get up and make it to that job every day, how to set-up a budget so their money is spent on living expenses rather than drugs without stressing out to the point of turning to their drug again.

Choice, Disease or Both

I can’t tell you how many times I hear that addiction is a disease or that it’s their choice.  It was their choice the first time, after that all bets are off because their brain is already changed.   So, if drug addiction is a disease, why is a drug addict put in rehab for a whopping 28 days and then sent home on their own.  But if that same addict came down with cancer or became a diabetic or came down with any other myriad of diseases, they would have access to everything out there our medical community has to offer, as it should be.

But, an addict gets those 28 days—if they have insurance, mind you, and then back out into the street to act like a normal person with no other help.  Disease you say, disease, I don’t.  And I could say the same about the “you have to let them hit rock bottom and give them nothing, kick them out even, so they will realize they need to change” scenario.  I could maybe do this to a spouse, but kick my own child out………hmmmm.  I did that once and it really made no difference except put him in jail for the first time.

What is the Point

My point in all this is that yes, as a mother I know not to give my son money, lock away anything in the house that can be pawned and don’t give them a place to live.  Well, that’s been done by myself and many other mothers, so then our addicted family member gets no kind of help what so ever. None!  How is that the answer???  If addiction is considered a disease, when do we start treating it as one???  And start giving the help that people really need.

Families are falling apart as we are left to fend for ourselves.  To protect ourselves we begin the grieving proccess way before we need too because that is our inevitable fear. We are lay people, not professional doctors, or counselors, etc., but, we are left holding the whole fort together.  Who else, with a disease would be treated like this?

I love my son, and it’s very hard to keep myself from helping him when there isn’t really much help for him out there from anyone else either.  We need to stop turning our backs on a subject most people don’t even want to talk about.  Help is needed!

Name withheld

Excerpt 3-Loss of Two Brothers

One year ago today my brother Joe came home from prison. It had been a little over two years, and it wasn’t the first time he’d done time. I look back and can’t help but shake my head. I replay that day in my head often. We spoke of this day on the phone, through letters and visits.  And we spent so much time looking forward to this day. We made so many plans together.

My brother’s drug use put our family through a hell I could have never imagined, but it wasn’t until Joe started using heroin that I began to understand what it meant to grieve for someone who was still alive. If you’ve loved someone with a substance use disorder, you may know what it’s like, to feel as if even before their hearts stop beating and their bodies turn cold, we are losing them. As his sister, it tore at every fiber of my being.

The truth is, in the last 6 years or so I felt much closer to my brother when he was in prison than when he was out. While he was in, I knew he was more likely to be sober and clearheaded.

We had the best conversations and laughed like there was no tomorrow. We never gave up hope, and I know he tried to get and stay clean. It was exhausting, it broke my heart, and yet I forgave him every time. Underneath it all, I knew that he’d been using in an attempt to cover deep pain.

House Arrest

When Joe was released, he was on house arrest with an ankle monitor, staying at a halfway house called Cornerstone Recovering Community. That same night we discussed what could happen if he relapsed. He was motivated to do the right thing- get a job, his own place, the works.

On March 22 2019, I arranged for a Narcan training and opioid epidemic education seminar at my school, where I was studying for my masters. Joe and I discussed plans to join together to share his and Jimmy’s stories with others, to try to do some good in this world.

It was only 3 days later, just 27 days after his release…felt like any other night, laying on the couch relaxing as I came across a post on Facebook at about 10:45pm. His roommate at Cornerstone tagged him and wrote “Damn RIP I just talked to you.” I remember calling him immediately…no answer. I called my mom next.

Loss of Two Brothers

Almost 8 1/2 years after she told me over the phone that Jimmy (24) had died, I had to call her to tell her about Joey. My mother had now lost both of her sons. Both of my brothers were gone. I called my sister. And then, I screamed. I screamed and screamed, as we raced to my mother’s home and then to Cornerstone.

I called them and I begged them not to take him away. They gave me no information, but promised he’d still be there when we arrived. When we did, I saw my brother’s lifeless body laying on the porch of a house only a few doors down from Cornerstone. I’d heard about this house before and so had our mom.

He’d told us it was a trap house. Upon hearing this, I told him I wanted to look into other options..from the first night he spent at Cornerstone. He declined, told me that it was okay and he “knew what to do.”

Could Have Done More?

I think I’ll always tell myself that I could’ve done more, especially in my line of work…located other options for treatment, discussed the idea of him getting the vivitrol shot. Just days before his death we video chatted, and I watched as his eyes filled with tears and he said “I’m trying so hard to do better and get it right this time.” I know he was being truthful, and yet here he was.

The scene of his death had been tampered with, and it was clear to see, based off of the placement of his body as well as his phone being stolen off of his body after his passing. The doors to the so-called trap house were locked, lights were off.  Chicago Police Department told us they had no right to enter the home as I stared at my brother on their porch.

To make a long story short: Whoever sold my brother what he thought was heroin threw him onto the porch of the home after he overdosed and stole his phone, all to hide evidence. The detective working this case agreed, based on how he was found.

Why No Investigation?

There was no investigation despite my repeated calls to the detective on this case, as well as his agreement that this was concealed evidence. He even agreed to obtain Joe’s phone records (which never happened). Then, it was radio silence. CPD and Cornerstone refused to investigate, other than speaking to residents of Cornerstone. That was it.

The Illinois Department of Corrections’ only response was the simple click of a button: removing my brother and his information from their database. We did not hear from his parole officer, who Joe told me “put the anklet on, told me not to catch any cases and said he wouldn’t drug test me unless I screwed up.”

Of course, I warned Joe about fentanyl, I warned him that overdose deaths happened very often after someone had clean time, especially in cases of those being released from prison. Before obtaining the toxicology report, I repeatedly told myself “His body couldn’t handle what he’d been used to.” Seeing the amount of fentanyl listed on that report was revolting.

Not Angry

I’m not going to lie and say I’m not angry anymore. It’s hard to not feel angry and let down by the Illinois Department of Corrections, Cornerstone staff and residents, the CPD detectives involved in the case, the individuals he was with that night who cared more about stealing a cellphone (full of memories, photos and evidence of where he obtained the poison that took his life) than a human life.

Some days it really is hard to wake up, get out of bed and face the reality of my brother being gone. I still have flashbacks of that night.

Joey was my best friend, my buddy, a sour patch kid and a teddy bear on the inside. A couple days after his passing, I received a screenshot from someone Joe was speaking about me with. He referred to me as his baby. To this day a lump appears in my throat when I think about it. In prison, he had nothing but time to reflect on his past and think about his future. He had so many dreams.

He was there for me from the moment I came into this world, but I thought we’d have more time. Never could I have imagined that before he turned 29 I’d be reading his eulogy. I work very hard to hold his memory close and to believe that his death was not in vain. I will fight for the rest of my life to make sure his story is told because he mattered and he still does.

Death By Fentanyl

On March 25 2019 my brother, 28 year old Joseph, was one of five in one day in Cook County – death by fentanyl toxicity. 27 days out of prison on house arrest with an ankle monitor. No one can convince me that fentanyl dealers are not murderers, especially when you consider the circumstances surrounding my brother’s death.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again- lightning struck my family twice and you would be naive to think it couldn’t happen to you. In the blink of an eye, as fast as it takes to make a $10 exchange. My brother wanted to share his story, to make a difference, and I know I’m just about the only one left who can make that happen.

I am not ashamed of my brother. The way his life ended will not overshadow the beauty he brought into this world and it will not taint his memory. The same goes for our brother Jimmy. I will continue to speak out to humanize addiction, and I hope those of you reading this will do the same.

Opioid Epidemic A Domestic Threat

The opioid epidemic is a domestic threat more insidious than that of mass shooters and terrorist groups. It is wiping out an entire generation and yet we sit here arguing about whether it is a disease or a choice. Common sense tells us the first time is a choice, and once the disease manifests in the brain, the mental and physical compulsions are unspeakable. In my heart I believe that once we learn as a society to experience and process emotions and trauma more effectively, we will be so much closer to truly addressing the underlying cause.

Life can feel overwhelming and excruciating without Joey’s presence. To say I miss him terribly would be an understatement. Above all else, I miss him, I love him and I forgive him.

Name withheld

Conclusion

After reading these three stories, I don’t really think there is much more I can say other than these folks need help.  I’m writing this post at a time when we are all afraid of the covid pandemic, but I wouldn’t be surprised if drugs have killed many more people in our country.

In my humble opinion, drugs have also become a pandemic that needs to be addressed as aggressively as covid has been.  What is your opinion?  Has your family been subjected to the pandemic of having a drug addict amongst you?

SAMHSA’s National Helpline is a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service.

1-800-662-HELP (4357)

Cher

Other Relevant Posts

What is depression?
How to De-stress
What is a Holistic Lifestyle?

If you enjoyed my post, pin it and share it—it would be a wonderful compliment!!

Check out some of my other posts to the right!